We've got to start sending interns! It is our sad duty to announce that curiosity has killed yet another reporter. Sent to confirm rumors of a return to Sunnydale by Spike and Drusilla, veteran investigative journalist Henry Hackett met the vampire couple at an undisclosed location where we assume he lost his life. Once again, however, the official Buffy magazine was able to retrieve the disturbing recording of the dubious meeting. While well-spoken and witty, William the Bloody and his beloved also turned out to be two of the darkest individuals Hackett had ever encountered. They will also be his last. Buffy the Magazine: First of all, for my own sake, have both of you already, uh, eaten? Spike: What kind of question is that, mate? If you don't want us hungry, you could bloody well have provided a snack. Drusilla: My doll Miss Edith won't eat. She's wasting away to bones. I shall have to punish her severely. Spike: I mean, a little snack would have been nice. Nothing big, maybe a Club Scout. BTM: Well, I'll...see what we can do. You know, Spike is a pretty cool nickname. Do you prefer it over William the Bloody? Spike: Oh, that was a royal pain. I mean just try ordering theater tickets and explaining your last name is "the Bloody." And then they're always alphabetized wrong at the Will Call window. BTM: Can I call you Bill? Spike: Yeah, sure. If you want me to take your pen and drive it straight through your eye socket into the tastiest part of your brain. Drusilla: I smell fear. Someone's frightened. It's delicious, like squeezing honey from a bee. BTM: Drusilla, let's turn to you for a second. Have you ever looked into the future for lottery numbers or gambling? Drusilla: You reek of panic. It tickles my nose like champagne in the blood of a New Year's Eve kill. BTM: Okay. Let's get back on track. What do you do for money? Surely vampires don't just kill and steal. Spike: Why not? And don't call me Shirley. Seriously, though, what's wrong with killing and stealing? It's an honest living. Except that it's not honest. And we're not living. BTM: Where do you buy your clothes? Spike: Well, after you've been doing this for a while, you get an eye for style. You know, you see an outfit you fancy, so you'll kill the chap that's wearing it. We call it the "two fang discount." Drusilla: Sometimes there are stains. You must eat neatly or everyone is very sad. BTM: Spike, as anyone told you that you look a lot like Billy Idol? Spike: Has anyone ever told you that you'd taste like prime rib? Of course they've told me that. It's a look, okay? Drusilla: He stands in front of the mirror for hours. Spike: Well, we think it's a mirror. BTM: That question as been raised by Willow Rosenberg, but never really answered: How do you shave? Spike: Dru shaves me. Drusilla: With a straight razor. Sometimes there's an accident and the blood goes everywhere. It's red and very pretty. Spike: It's best to wait 'till after she's had breakfast. BTM: Drusilla, when you and Spike left Sunnydale, it seemed like you would have rather stayed with Angel. Have you and Spike buried the hatchet? Spike: What's that? A set-up question to get me to say something like, "Yeah, we buried it in the head of a cheerleader?" I don't need your cheap gimmicks to think of something funny to say, mate. Drusilla: Oh, Spike's angry. It makes me tremble with delight. [sound of Spike and Drusilla nuzzling each other.] BTM: No, really. It's just, you two seem to be getting along so well, I wanted to make sure things were okay between you. Spike: Yeah, well, there've been some rough times, haven't there, pet? But we're doing okay. BTM: It must be difficult when there are relationship problems. I'd imagine it's hard for a vampire to find help for things like that. Spike: We saw a counselor. She gave poor Dru indigestion. BTM: Is there a big age difference between the two of you? How do vampires deal with that? It must be fairly common. Spike: How thick do you have to be not to get it? We're immortal. Age means nothing. You mortals are the ones slowly dying with every breath you suck into your miserable lungs. You say we kill you, I say we just change the location in which your flesh rots. Drusilla: I saw a dead kitten today. Such a waste. If it had grown up, it would have made two meals. BTM: Does my referring to you as vampires offend you? I believe Buffy Summers once referred to you as undead Americans, but that really isn't accurate in your case, is it? Spike: You get more stupid even as I look at you. If I was offended, don't you think you'd know it? Look at my forehead -- smooth as a baby's bum. Look at my eyes -- not particularly yellow. This is my "not especially offended" look. Drusilla: Yellow is a pretty color. I bit someone with jaundice once and was yellow for a week. I laughed and laughed. BTM: Are you disappointed with your time in Sunnydale? Spike: Actually, I rather liked having my ass kicked regularly by a Slayer, having Angelus put the moves on my girl and having to scramble just to get out of town. Of course, I hated it. This is a dreadful place that doesn't deserve a Hellmouth. Drusilla: I liked seeing Angel. His flesh is springy, like meat before it turns. BTM: Explain how big of an honor it is among the vampire set to kill a Slayer. Drusilla: Kendra made the most fascinating sound when she hit the floor. It was sweet in my ears. Spike: And that keen observation will have to be your answer. BTM: Is there any advice you'd like to pass along to Buffy in terms of dating a vampire? Spike: Wear turtlenecks. I mean, why offer the temptation? BTM: What do the two of you do for fun? Spike: Me, personally, I like toying with a really naive reporter and then drinking from his neck until his heart gives out. Drusilla: I like that. And macrame. BTM: Okay, now moving on to some more personal ques... [End of Recording]